08172017Headline:

51st State of USA by Lifafa Khan

As a true patriot I am always ready to help the country in whichever way I can. For past few months I have been living in the mountains negotiating a peace deal with our angry brothers. It was a lot of hard work for me as I had to drink countless cups of tea and eat tons of tasty karahi gosht (the real deal not the mockups sold in cities). During all these meetings every time a person came to join the discussions we had a new round of tea. The negotiations were progressing well on most issues including drones, settlement of IDPs and compensation of victims. But they stalled when question of imposition of Sharia was raised. Mountain people insisted that they wanted Sharia explained on a four page pamphlet while members of the negotiating teams wanted the Sharia presented in a multiple volumes of thick books that they brought with themselves. I proposed that why don’t we all follow the Sharia presented in the Quran as everyone Shia, Sunni, Wahabbi, Deobandi, Barelvi etc. etc. believe in it. To work out differences in interpretation we could create a Shura council that can create consensus through elaborate work. But no one was willing to give up their position including myself. So the talks broke down. The end result is that we need more negotiations to settle all the differences and I need to shed some pounds that I gained in this process. I reached home around mid-night after a back braking journey by road.

There was one draw back of living for so long in the mountains. I have no idea what is going on in the politics of Pakistan. I do not know how our Naya KP looks like? It would be fun to drive on the motorway in KP from Peshawar to D I Khan. I do not know how much construction has been done on the bullet train? I am excited for this project to finish as this will revolutionize the public transportation. A bullet train that runs on coal and solar energy is a fascinating idea. But I am most excited to learn about the cabinet members of the new Prime Minister who has been there and done that twice before. So I started looking for names of the cabinet members. Water and Power Ministry is given to enterprising son of Sialkot. Interior to former oil and gas minister as he was not satisfied with sucking oil from ground in the previous government. Portfolio of Railways given to the fiery student leader who is about to graduate from college with distinction. Turning around Railways has become his final year project to graduate.

I was most happy to learn that Finance Ministry was given to Munshi of a famous business family of Lahore. I am confident that if this person can convert a small steel mill into a multibillion dollar company then he can surely convert Pakistan into a growth economy. But then when I looked at the business section of the newspaper I learned that he is using the old technique of growing a business by getting a loan from a bank and then default on it. I was still happy that soon IMF will learn that our accountants are smarter than their lawyers. I kept going through the list but I could not find names for two important ministers i.e. foreign and defense.

This made me quiet worried as a thought crossed my mind that in order to save money on foreign trips and military expenditure our Prime Minister has decided to close both these ministries. In panic I started calling some of my journalist friends. They told me that these ministries are not closed so I should not worry. When I inquired why ministers are not appointed for these important portfolios they told me all four appointments will be made soon. I asked them why four. They said Foreign Minister, Defense Minister, Chief of Army Staff (COAS) and Chairman Joint Chiefs of Staff Committee (CJCSC). I took a sigh of relief and admired the wisdom of the Prime Minister to take his time in deciding these important appointments.

But then a strange thing happened. A Chirya from Islamabad whispered a strange thing in my ear that I could not believe. The idea is so horrendous and against our sovereignty that I am apprehensive even to think about it. It strikes at my national pride and dignity. As an experienced writer I decided I needed to confirm this news from a second source before I can be sure this is creditable. So I called the Hud-hoood, another famous creditable source of information, in Islamabad. Hud-hood was initially reluctant to give any information but I refused to let go of him. When there was no other option, Hud-hood confirmed the information provided by the Chirya. Since the news is now confirmed it is my professional responsibility to disclose it to all of you.

According to knowledgeable Chirya, Prime Minister has decided that US Secretary of State should perform the duties of the foreign minister in close coordination with the PM. This decision was made because of repeated public pronouncement that they want Pakistan to be a stable and prosperous country. Since we can’t do this important task ourselves it is better to allow them to do it for us. It is also decided that since most of our military equipment are provided by US and we can’t use it to stop the drones. So it is better that US Secretary of Defense should assume the responsibilities of our Minister of Defense. This way drones will become our drones and our sovereignty will not be impinged. To appoint the Chief of Army Staff Prime Minister will show the list of generals and get it approved by the US Chairman Joint Chiefs of Staff. The post of CJCSC has been abolished as it was redundant in the presence of same post in our allies. Chirya also informed that most political parties support the PM on this initiative as it solves the question of dual nationality as well. It is also decided that if this experiment produced desired results than Pakistan will be formally inducted as the 51st State of United States. This will help us convert USA into an Islamic Emirate.

The confirmation of this news agitated me a lot so I decided I will not allow this violation of our sovereignty. I did not have much time as every minute counted to save the dignity of our beloved country. I decide to drive to the PM house and register my protest. I took out my car. But I was stopped at a check post. I was so agitated that I had a scuffle with the policeman. They got hold of me and started dragging me to their van. I used all my might to cry for help and tried to release myself from their grip. Like a flash my eyes opened. I found myself in bed perspiring heavily. I took a deep sigh of relief and thank God that this was all a dream and our country is in safe hands. It was 8:00am in the morning so I decided to fetch the newspaper from the porch and read today’s headlines. As I bent down to pick up the newspaper the headline read “Prime Minister will decide the appointment of COAS after visiting USA”.

 

Lifafa Khan is a free lance journalist. He secured Doctorate in Danish (DiD) degree from University of Life. All characters and situations are Danishmandi of Lifafa Khan and should not to be confused with anything else. Any heart burn or stomach pain lasting longer than three hours should be consulted with a proper doctor.

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