PM Address to the nation by Lifafa Khan

I don’t consider myself to be a significant person. That is the reason I don’t expect anyone to give me serious work. But this is precisely what happened to me this week. One of the able advisers of the PM told him that to ensure that new government thinks out of the box we should request an unknown person to review your first speech to the nation. So somehow my name made it to the top of the list and a draft of the PMs Speech was sent to me for review. Now I am sitting here for many long hours not knowing what to do about it. My weak shoulders are feeling the weight of meeting the nation’s expectations and not making the PM look bad. May be you all can help so I am sharing it with you.

My dear countryman

Asalam o aliqum

First of all I would like to thank God that our nation was saved from a tsunami. As a concerned citizen it was the toughest challenge of my life. I did not want my beloved country to be obliterated by a tsunami. I prayed everyday to stop it from happening. I did not see it on the horizon as there were no clouds or high-speed winds blowing. I would also ask my advisers whether it is true that the tsunami is coming and how do we handle it. They all told me no tsunami is coming. But every time I turned on the television, I heard all anchors speaking about the impending tsunami and that no one can stop it. This surprised me most as I did not understand why all these anchors are talking about tsunami. I saw an elegant looking man telling people that he can deal with all kind of crisis with a cricket bat. I admired his courage and felt proud of my nation which has such brave men. But thank God no tsunami came and we were saved. After elections I went to meet that man and appreciated his passion for the nation.

We have taken serious notice of American government funded IRI to forecast weather in Pakistan. We have informed our American partners that weather forecast is Pakistan’s sovereign right and we will not tolerate foreign interference in it. We can tolerate drones in the air but we will not tolerate drones in politics of Pakistan. Collateral damage from political drones could be much more devastating to me than the other drone.

I congratulate voters of KPK who will get a naya KPK. But I request CM KPK to listen to Maulana sahib and don’t take this naya KPK somewhere else. We assure you our full cooperation in this.

During the election campaign I promised the nation that I will not make commitments that I can not keep. I have to inform you with regret that I can not give you a naya Pakistan. So you have to live with terrorism, bad economy and load shedding for the foreseeable future. But I promise you that I will give you some new things as a consolation like a new motorway, new railway, bhashan dam and a new airline. I have advised finance minister to buy new currency machines so that we can quickly print currency to complete these projects. He has proposed IMF brand of currency machine. But I am insisting a made in Pakistan machine. I want this country to be self-sufficient in currency. It is important for our sovereignty that we use our own machines to print our own currency.

The first issue that my government has to handle is circular debt. This issue was pointed out to me by our international friends that Pakistan has to get out of the vicious circle. I agree with them. Pakistan can not develop by moving in circles so I have advised our Finance Minister to solve this circular issue and put the nation on the straight path of progress. He has my Mansha to solve this circular crisis by whatever means possible.

The next important issue for us to handle is terrorism. To develop national consensus on his important issue, I have decided to call an All Pakistan Conference (APC) in which we all can sit together eating teetar and battair to discuss this important matter. I remember in my childhood parents tried to fix the character of their children through corporal punishment. But we now live in 21st century and we have to employ modern techniques to make our angry youth to behave properly. If you recall the past government tried to use remote controlled foreign toys to fix our young men. Our former Interior Minister told us that most of these young men get angry when they have issues with their girl friends or wives. I feel that our government has the right approach to make them happy and behave properly. We will sit with them and talk to them. I am confident that they will listen to their elders. I will invite our famous sportsman Khan and our religious leader Maulana to participate in these talks.

I want to tell our soldiers that I have learned my lesson. Now I know that a General in air is as dangerous as a General on the ground. This time I will appoint a Chief that focuses on the security of borders on the map rather than some invisible borders in his head that he calls ideological borders. In my security briefings I have frequently asked our Generals to show me the map of these borders so a national strategy can be developed to protect them. We will present that map to the nation once it is drafted by our Generals.

We love our Afghan friends and we want to tell them that during my government we will agree not to scratch each others back. We will meet each other face to face and solve our problem. To our Indian friends I want to say that Kashmir can be yours but Kashmiris can never be yours.

In the end I am Mamnoon to all Parliamentarians who have arranged a good a meal for me here in Islamabad rather than forcing me to make frequent trips to Karachi.

Pakistan Zindabad.

Lifafa Khan is a free lance journalist. He secured Doctorate in Danish (DiD) degree from University of Life. All characters and situations are Danishmandi of Lifafa Khan and should not to be confused with anything else. Any heart burn or stomach pain lasting longer than three hours should be consulted with a proper doctor.


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