08202017Headline:

How many Muslims in the World? by Fakhr ul-Islam

fakhri

You must have heard that there are 1.5 billion Muslims in the world today, right? This is nothing more than propaganda spread by the enemies to give us a false sense of hope and security to hide the actual gravity of the situation.

So we are 1.5 billion, right? Well, just take the Shias out of the equation. Why? Because if they were Muslims, then why every wall in the city would be painted with slogans that state otherwise? Why would Maulvis tell us otherwise? They know better than us so let’s deduct these “Suspected Muslims” from the total number.

Now with 15% less population we can start looking elsewhere. Looks like, it’s time to deal with Muslims living in Christian Europe and America. My Maulvi Sahib told me that since these people eat “Jhatka chicken and beef”, they are eating the slaughter of Kuffar. Also, someone who is eating Haram will make a Muslim’s prayers void so one should not pray with them. My Sheikh, a hanafi, told me that once he entered a Shafi Masjid and everyone said a loud Ameen! The Sheikh had to break the prayers to do Istighfar! May Allah save us from such tribulation!

Good riddance, this takes care of another 40% of Islam, I mean Muslims. Now which one shall I tackle next, Indonesian and Malaysians or Africans? The Indonesians look and talk like Chinese and Malaysians have allowed alcohol in their country. I am not kidding but someone I know who was a perfect Momin, once went to Kuala Lumpur. These Malaysians dragged him out of the airport, took him to a bar and forced him to consume liquor. The exact same thing happened with this Momin friend in Dubai! Let’s just strike out these Alcohol imposing, Chinese looking and Urdu illiterates from Islam. Phew!

Africa, here I come! I never went to Africa but have seen many Africans. When they are reciting “Alhamdulillah” in prayers, they say “Alhamdulillah”! See, a duffer like you can’t tell but I can. The “d” in “Alhamdulillah” is said in a heavy accent, not like how my Maulvi Sahib recites it. It doesn’t matter if Africans have more devotion in their prayers…they also have more “d” in their prayer! This could change the meaning of Islam, I mean the meaning of Alhamd Shareef, which makes the prayers invalid, which makes Africa invalid, I mean their Islam invalid. I personally prefer brown Islam like Pakistani/Hanafis, etc. Too much dark or too much light complexion makes me arrogant or depressed, in that order.

What about the so called “Muslims” living in non-Muslim countries? I wish all my arguments were this easy! Anyone who is living in a Kaffir land and paying taxes to Kaffirs and/or saying Hello to a Kaffir is a Kaffir. Period. Don’t get fooled by people who claim to be Muslims but are born in a non-Islamic country. They should have tried to be born in a Sunni/Hanafi ruled area, but they never put any serious efforts and just slipped out in a total Kaffir land! What a shame! Also, some people vow to have converted to Islam…this is as far from truth as poverty is from politicians…you cannot enter Islam, you can only be expelled from Islam.

Afghanistan should not prove difficult. Since we can’t tell a non-Taliban from a Taliban or vice-versa, assume all Afghans are equal suspects. Again, since we don’t know who is supporting who and fighting whom, there has to be an easy way out. I mean look at this – Taliban who fight Pakistani forces and blow-up girl’s schools and Taliban who fight occupational forces but blow-up boy’s schools. I mean come-on!  Let’s declare them Outsiders and move on.

Getting closer…The so called Indian Muslims are all suspected suspects. They did not bother to migrate to the land of the pure rather decided to stay with the impure. They preferred the slavery of Hindus instead of negotiating Bhatta rates with Muslims. This act is punishable and verdict has been handed as – Indians!!!

Let’s take a look at the 200 million Pakistani Muslims. Still too many, right? But see the Shias are out as they have too many Imams and Ahl-e-Hadees are out as they have none. All with clean shaves are out, the ones wearing the jeans are out, anyone watching a movie or humming a song is out, guys eating burgers and pizza are out, folks praying in short sleeves are out, anyone learning English is out and anyone trying to teach English and God forbid, Science and technology, should be sent to gallows.

All we have left now are Maulvis who have nothing to do with the outside world. Now, at-least they are Muslims and can start the Islamic renaissance in the world, Hain Ji? Not so fast! We need to check these Maulvis out as well.

Half of them call themselves DeoBandis and half as Barelvis and somehow both look equally credible. DeoBandis don’t celebrate the Birthday of the Prophet SAW and according to Barelvis, this crime is tantamount to blasphemy. From the DeoBandi corner, Barelvis are inventing new ideas in Islam which is tantamount to Kufar. I have no choice but to believe these both highly credible sides and declare both parties out of Islam.

So my friends, all that’s left in Islam is just yours truly. Even though, I am full of Islam, in fact having a last name of Islam; but what can one guy do on a planet full of Non-Muslims? We are just outnumbered…”Akaila Chana Kiya Bhaar Jhonk Lega?”

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article and does not necessarily reflect the opinion and views of getPakistan.com

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